Saturday, 19 January 2013

Hey Lance Armstrong


Dear Lancey,

You old cheating bastard you.

Talk about landing yourself in a bit of hot water. Actually I think you’ve managed to get yourself strung up by your $400 bike shoes over a cauldron of boiling oil, awaiting the first of many comeuppance style head dunks.

You’re not alone in your plight though, as I’ve done some cheating myself that I’m not proud of. I once shot-gunned a can of Redbull before a championship game in the men’s over 35 soccer league. It gave me a stomachache for the whole first half but I dug deep and ignored it because, like you, I felt I needed to win at all costs. We actually lost the game, so in hindsight it was a waste of $2.99, not to mention compromising my principles. Fortunately, I was able to flush the evidence out of my system after the game with a bunch of parking lot beers, but it didn’t ease the guilt.

There was another time in grade six, where, on track and field day I tried to even up the playing field in the hundred meter dash by sabotaging Arty Reed’s shoes. He was favoured to win and was the only kid with running spikes, so I stole them and tied the laces in knots right before the final heat. I thought I could get into his head with some mind trickery and put him off his game. It kind of backfired because it just made him late for the start, which put him in an even uglier mood than usual. Apparently, rage was the key to his performance because he beat everyone by about three seconds. Regardless, it feels good to get that off my chest after all these years.

So you see Lance, everyone has skeletons in their closets that they’re ashamed of. Granted, most of us don’t have the opportunity to address the world in a controlled interview to explain ourselves after we’ve been caught. That was a stroke of luck for you that Oprah was on your speed dial and willing to partner up with you for the big interview. I hear it might have saved her crap T.V. channel from sinking into obscurity, so it was pretty much a win-win. You get to shed a few tears for the camera and she gets the most anticipated interview since Michael Jackson went on air to talk about why he thought it was a good idea to have sleepovers with children.

Bottom line Lancey, is you’ll bounce back. Imagine the royalties alone from the tell-all book you are undoubtedly going to write. If you can muster up a believable amount of remorse, you’ll make out like a bandit. Speaking tours and key note speeches should keep you busy for years. Remember, America loves to forgive celebrities - talk to Michael Vick, Hugh Grant or Bill Clinton. Hell, O.J. could have come back as a B-list celeb if he hadn't gone berserk there at the end.

I wish you luck with your lucrative new career as spokesperson for the war on performance enhancing substances. I still think you’re a bit of an arrogant twit, but who am I to judge because as I earlier confessed, I’m a former cheater too.

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