Dear Sidney Crosby,
How is everything going during the lockout?
I was talking to some of the guys on my ball hockey team and we figured you were probably getting bored by now. Hopefully you have a good way of staying in shape such as running or perhaps even ball hockey.
Long story short, if you’re not busy on Tuesday nights for the next five weeks my team could use an extra guy. It’s an over 30 league, but we’re allowed one player who is under age. Right now we have Vince Racconi, who is 22 but you could take his spot. He only shows up like half the time anyway, and he’s not putting up very good numbers.
There are a few things you should know, which hopefully won’t be a problem. First off, Jonesy already has number 87. He’s being a bit difficult about it and says he’s not willing to give it up. He also has your name stitched on the back, and he insists his nickname is Sid, so maybe just go with it. We’ll call you “the kid” or Junior or something.
Secondly, is the McCarther brothers – they play for Stinson Septic Cleaners. I told them I was going to get you on my team and they laughed in my face. Then they said that you were a pussy and if you ever showed up at the rink they would beat you to a pulp. It would be great if you joined the team, then I would be the one laughing in their toothless faces. There is however, a good chance you would have to fight them. My advice is to watch out for Jimmy because he’s a lefty and he’s a dirty fighter.
Last is a bit of an awkward matter, but I feel we have to talk about it. We both know that you have a bit of a soft pumpkin, if you get my drift. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, you being a professional hockey player and all, but you’re not going to be much good to us in the playoffs if you get your bell rung again. Keep your head up is all I’m saying.
So…yeah… I guess that’s about it. You’re probably just going to fly in and out for the games, but you can stay at my house if you want. No pressure or anything, but next week would be great because we play Stinson Septic and we need a win.
P.S. If you can’t make it, can you get me a cel number for Ovechkin?