Me: Okay well I’m off to Buffalo for the lacrosse game.
Wife: That’s a small bag…do you have everything?
Me: You know me, I travel light. I’m like a hobo, just ridin’ the rails to wherever, not a care in the world.
Wife: Hobo’s didn’t need passports. Do you have your passport?
Me: Of course I have my passport. I got it out of the thing…place, where we always keep them. The shelfy, cabinet area… drawer.
Wife: You mean the filing cabinet.
Me: That’s what I said. Filing cabinet, filing drawer. A filing cabinet is just a metal box holding up a bunch of drawers. I’ll go get it now.
Wife: Do you have Advil?
Me: Don’t need it. Not going to drink.
Wife: Funny. I’ll get it for you. What about a dress shirt and tie and maybe some extra underwear?
Me: I’m only going to be gone 18 hours. Why in God’s name would I need extra underwear?
Wife: Gross. Okay never mind. Take an extra pair of socks though and I'm asking you nicely, don’t lose your shoes.
Me: I’m a grown man, I can take care of myself.
Wife: Oh yeah? Remember when you went to the Bluegrass festival and came home in bare feet? Your feet were all cut up and you had that weird foot fungus. And let us recap what happened to your sandals.
Me: I gave them to that dude with the dreadlocks.
Wife: In return for?
Me: Two bluegrass bumper stickers and a grilled cheese. And a banjo pick.
Wife: Exactly…you don’t even have a banjo.
Wife: What about deodorant?
Me: I’m going with a bunch of guys. They don’t care if I stink.
Wife: How about I just throw it in with your toothbrush, just in case you meet some civilized people.
Me: Can you throw my toothbrush in with my toothbrush? It might not be packed.
Wife: Pathetic really. What about bail money for Ernie, or is he going to behave himself this time?
Me: Good point, but I’m way ahead of you. Ernie isn’t coming because he’s not allowed to cross the border until he clears up that little misunderstanding over the pellet gun and the case of vodka.
18 hours later
Me: I’m back!
Wife: How was it? I see you still have both shoes on.
Me: It was great! And guess what? There was a vintner’s conference at our hotel and after the game we had like, 400 samples of red wine.
Wife: Lucky boys.
Me: Yeah, and get this, we actually had to dress up to get in because I guess they wanted to keep the riff-raff lacrosse fans from crashing.
Wife: You don’t say?
Me: We fooled them pretty good. Except when Chuck grabbed a $75 dollar bottle of merlot and tried to chug it. We were asked to leave after that.
Wife: I’m shocked at the injustice. But hey…free wine right?
Me: Well it wasn’t all roses. I had a smasher of a headache and had to pound a bunch of Advil this morning. And my teeth were red wine stained bad. Oh, and my tie is stained too.
Wife: Hey, a wine conference can be a tough thing.
Me: You’re telling me.
Wife: Tell me again why Chuck has to chug everything?
Me: It’s just his thing. Anyway…it’s a good thing I thought to pack that extra stuff, because I pretty much needed it all. I was like a professional travelling salesman.
Wife: You are a clever one. So what happened to the freewheeling hobo, riding the rails to anywhere?
Me: I’m just going to be a more slightly more organized hobo.
Wife: A hobo with a personal assistant.
Me: You’re hired.
Wife: As the boss of this corporation, I am going to pretend I didn’t hear that last bit. Now go unpack your bag and I might try and get the wine stain out of your tie for you.
Me: Okay thanks. Then I have to call Chuck because, well, long story short, he swallowed all of our wedding rings and, you know I have to get that back.
Wife: So the five of you idiots let Chuck swallow your wedding rings? What, for safe keeping? Actually never mind, I don’t need to know any more.
Me: Yeah…you don’t want to know.