T.S.: Hello, this is Tech Support speaking. My name is Vikram, how may I help you?
Me: Hello Vikram. Wow, I‘ve reached India?
T.S.: Yes sir. What is being your trouble today sir?
Me: My trouble is being some problems with my password.
T.S.: Okay, can I have your name please sir?
Me: It’s Ian McEwen
T.S.: Okay Mr. MacQueen, can I have your account number please?
Me.: It’s actually McEwen…like Mick as in Jagger, then Ewe, as in female sheep, plus the letter n. Mick-ewe-n
T.S.: So sorry, okay Mr. McEwen, can I have your account number please?
Me: Account is 57852201
T.S.: Okay sir, just a moment while I’m pulling you up on the computer. And also sir can I interest ya’ll in purchasing our gold upgrade package for just 29.99 per month?
Me: No you can’t interest me and did you just say ya’ll?
T.S.: Of course not sir, that is not the Queen’s English.
Me: You are losing your accent. Where are you from?
T.S.: Virginia sir. It’s actually Randy.
Me: Okay Randy, dare I ask why you are posing as Vikram?
T.S.: I just like to practice my accents. It’s kind of a boring job. Perhaps monsieur would like to compleete zee call wiz a French person?
Me: No really its fine. I just want to get my password fixed.
T.S.: No problem. And what is the name on the account sir?
ME: It’s under my wife’s name, Colleen, but I am in there as an account holder. Last time I called in I was added to the account. It was a nightmare. It took like two hours… please tell me I’m in there.
T.S.: Sorry sir, I am not seeing you on the account here.
Me: No no… I’m there…I-A-N…just look at the records of the last call.
T.S.: Right, okay, I was looking under E, but I see you spell it I-A-N. And can I ask you a few security questions first?
Me: Go ahead.
T.S.: So what is the name that your mother had before she married your father?
Me: You mean my mother’s maiden name?
T.S.: Yes sir. Her maiden name.
Me: It was Andersen.
T.S.: I’m sorry sir but that is incorrect.
Me: No, it’s not incorrect. That was her name before she got married. Andersen. Maybe you’re misreading it.
T.S.: No sir, it is definitely not Andersen.
Me: Is it A-N-D-E-R-S-E-N?
T.S: What was that last letter?
T.S.: Yes sorry, it is correct then. And sir, can I ask your postal address?
Me: It’s 2382 Lakeshore Rd.
T.S.: Okay that’s not good…I’ve got you down at another address.
Me: No… that’s the old address. We haven’t lived there for seven years. I asked them to take that off the records last time I called.
T.S.: Okay sir, I will remove that address for you now.
Me: Now, you say that you are doing it, but did you really remove the address?
T.S.: No. But I will be making a note sir for this to be done in the future.
Me: When? When will it be done?
T.S.: Because of the recent strike, we are approximately 7000 jobs behind sir. It may take a few months.
Me: Can you just do it now? Just press delete?
T.S.: No sir, we have to follow protocol and do the jobs in order that they come in.
Me: But you could do it now? You could just delete it?
Me: But you won’t?
T.S.: I’m sorry sir.
Me: Okay whatever. Can you help me with my password or not?
T.S.: Of course sir. Do you have the account open in front of you now?
Me: No. I can’t get in remember? My password doesn’t work.
T.S.: Right, okay. Um…I’ll need to talk to my manager. Can I put you on hold?
T.S.: Okay sir, we can re-set your password and email it to you. However…
Me: Let me guess. You still have an old email on file and you don’t know which one to use?
T.S.: No sir, we don’t have any email on file for you whatsoever.
Me: Well you do, because you’ve been emailing me bills for the last five years.
T.S.: Wait…there it is…I found it. Vee are very sorry for zah mix up.
Me: What was that? French again?
T.S.: That was German sir.
Me: That was terrible.
T.S.: I’ve just starting working on it. Is there anything else I can help you with today sir?
Me: How about I check my email now before I hang up, to make sure the password is there.
T.S.: Oh it won’t be there yet sir. It will take approximately 3 to 5 days. Or possibly up to five weeks.
Me: Are you kidding me?
T.S.: Just kidding sir, it will only be 3 to 5 days.
Me: Can you do it right now?
T.S.: I’m not allowed to bump you up the cue sir.
Me: Come on Vikram. I’ll let you talk German to me.
T.S.: Its Henrick when I do German sir, and I still can’t.
Me: Okay you win. I’ll check my email in 3 to 5 days.
T.S.: Thank you for calling sir and have a great day.
Me: Auf wiedersehen Henrick.
T.S.: The answer is still no sir.