Me: God, I have a massive headache.
Wife: You’re probably dehydrated.
Me. (Roll eyes) I’m not dehydrated, I’m just stressed.
Wife: Well…what have you had to drink today?
Wife: Coffee does not count…it’s a diuretic.
Me: (under breath) You’re a diuretic.
Wife: What did you say?
Me: I said I had water at lunch.
Wife: You mean you took your vitamins with a sip of water?
Me: It was like…half a glass. A quarter of a glass anyway. It was a big gulp.
Wife: And what have you had to eat?
Me: I ate that hunk of leftover ham for breakfast, soup for lunch – which is liquid thank you - pistachios for snack and…um…oh yeah a handful of pretzels.
Wife: So basically you had a bowl of salt and an assortment of salted nuts and meats.
Wife: And how much draft did you drink last night?
Me: Like two, three glasses. It’s hard to keep track because they give you those small glasses.
Wife: So you drank a pitcher at least.
Me: Its draft beer, it’s mostly water.
Wife: And wings?
Me: Pound of wings, but they weren’t that salty.
Wife: I told you, you’re supposed to drink a glass of water in between beers.
Me: Well we ordered suicide wings and they were freakin’ hot so I was kind of chugging my beer. It cools your mouth off better than water anyway.
Wife: So, let’s recap shall we? In the last 24 hours you have consumed a pound of salty wings, pretzels, pistachios, salty meats, store bought soup, a pitcher of beer, a pot of coffee and a sip of water.
Me: That sounds reasonably accurate.
Wife: And you want to know why you have a headache?
Me: Like I said…its stress.
Wife: Are you stressed because you are killing your arteries and liver or because of the pressures of being a high school librarian?
Me: Will you get me a Tylenol please?
Wife: You want water with that?
Me: No I'm good...I’ll just chomp it down.
Wife: You’re an idiot.